You Are Entitled To: Nothing

On May the 23rd, just at the beginning of a great Memorial Day weekend a boy by the name of Elliot Rodger made headlines by killing six people and seriously injuring 13 others before ultimately killing himself after a rampage through the streets of Santa Barbara.

Elliot R

When I first read the headlines and then listened to his ramblings of his vlog before they took it down; my first reaction was to get on the bandwagon and immediately write about my disapproval.  But another part of me wanted to wait it out, see if there’s more.  Weigh the facts and not jump in on just another bandwagon.  Because ,let’s face it, we are just one of millions of media sources, most of which are already pulling this event apart and placing it in some political agenda of some sort.

Then there is the part of me what didn’t even want to give him the attention he doesn’t deserve.  But it is kind of too late for that now.  Media will blame his psychological issues, anti-gun campaigners will argue the gun control issues and why this nut-bag had a gun to begin with, others will go the direction of dangerous men and the mountain of misogyny that spewed from the guy’s mouth.  There are valid points with each argument.  Very…valid…points.  But there is an underlying factor I want to address more specifically.

It was his message.  The message that he and so many other men still believe.  If you read the articles or watched the news, it was revealed that he was part of several message groups centered around men who feel the need to blame women for their inability to have sex, create attraction, have a girlfriend, whatever.  Which builds around resentment that turns to hate.  The most notorious was the PUA-Hate forum which originally centered on the hate behind groups who create Pick-Up-Artist material.  They believed they were promised to get laid, didn’t, and therefore the group was formed to hate on the companies and people behind much of the Pick-Up community or attraction community.  Many possibly deserve it, but regardless, the forum then turned into the rise of Men’s Rights and similar thought designs centered around hating on women.

I watched several of Elliot’s videos and realized I had met many like him.  (I also realized I hated watching said videos.) Part of the reason we began Full 1mpact in the first place.  The message from his words..

“I don’t know why you girls are so repulsed by me. I do everything I can to appear attractive to you. I dress nice, I am sophisticated, I am magnificent. I have a nice car, a BMW… I am polite. I am the ultimate                             gentleman. And yet, you girls never give me a chance. I don’t know why.”

He would go on to brag about the expensive $300 sunglasses and how his car is nicer than 90% of the cars driven at his school.  He is stupefied as to why no one is attracted to him.

Regardless of the fact he admitted to never talking to a girl before the age 20, let alone approaching a woman, he expected them to see him as “magnificent” and “superior” to other men and jump on board with him.  The message still thick in every disturbing video and a message I saw clearly nearly a decade ago with others with the exact version of poison masculinity.

Over ten years ago, when I began to invest the time and materials of learning about everything under the Sun about masculinity, gender, and attraction between men and women, I landed on a very interesting individual named David DeAngelo.  He had a series that spoke specifically about, “before you try to grasp attracting a woman, you must first understand what a woman’s world is like so you know how to stand out and actually create that attraction without being a creep.”  Wow!  Okay…so how do we do this?

A group of friends and myself decided to make an online account.  This was when Myspace was still pretty big and you could use it as a way to attract dates.  We had a mutual friend who modeled for several comic book companies and is today a well-known cosplayer.  I have a confession to make.  We somehow talked her into making a fake account with us.  Using her pics, a made-up name, career, city she lives..etc.  She agreed and we were off to the races.

There were enough of us combined to get her a decent group of friends and a combination of professional pics and organic, hanging out with friends, pics to pull this off.  We opened up the availability of the page for everyone to see, curious as to how this might turn out.  What we’d learn would change our view of how women have to deal with men, forever.

SO MANY MEN....few unique ones.

SO MANY MEN….few unique ones.

The first couple of weeks were fun.  Fifteen emails here, another ten emails there.  All guys saying pretty much the same exact thing.  “Wow, you’re so beautiful, we should talk.”  “Wow you are hot!”  And so on, and so on.  But then the flood gates opened.  By the end of our experiment our fake account averaged over 100 emails a day from men.  Most were harmless, but there were enough creepy, scary, and stalker-type men to make your blood chill.

We would open the email together and talk about the dos and don’ts of emailing women for our own material in the future.  We’d talk to our model friend about them and she’d give us a look of unbelief and say, “This is why I have the filters on and people can’t just find me.”  It’s true.  It was during this time we found the Elliot Rodgers of the world.  Not all of them were violent.  But a larger message was to be had.

Striking up conversations with the more polite ones was usually the set reaction we’d give.  Sometimes though, that wouldn’t be enough for them and one of the “nice guys” would turn violently angry and send some of the most toxic spewed emails; sometimes simply because we wouldn’t give out a phone number.  We chose not to respond to the emails that commented on the girl’s body or how “hot” she was.  Sometimes that would get us a second email, calling her a stuck-up bitch or worse.  All for ignoring body comments.

I've been so nice to you.  Why won't you sleep with me?

I’ve been so nice to you. Why won’t you sleep with me?

Before permanently shutting down the account, for the good of all, we learned three major things we think all men should know.  (Btw, we went out of our way to ensure the safety of the model who helped us.  Though it was more educational for us, she was shocked by some of the responses.)

You Are Owed NOTHING (Especially Women):

Where is the rest of what I so richly deserve?

Where is the rest of what I so richly deserve?

No one owes you a damn thing.  No woman, man, or child owes you a thing.  Not a smile, wink, conversation, handshake, phone call, sex, a body, or a dime.  Nothing.  There is a disturbing theme amongst men that states, “If I am a nice guy, I am owed a girlfriend.”  Or, “I’m a nice gentleman and you’re a bitch for not accepting me and dating me.” ( To exactly quote one email we received.)

In fact, the mere idea that someone owes you ANYTHING for being “nice” or a “gentleman” defeats the entire premise behind being a nice person or a gentleman.  Because shouldn’t you be a great person for the single purpose of being a decent human being?  Not to get something out of it?  By the way, doing something nice to get something is manipulation.  “I’m being your friend so you will find me attractive,” is actually manipulation.  I’m being a gentleman so you find me attractive is manipulation.  I buy you gifts so you find me attractive is, in fact, manipulation.

The other side of this, coming from the videos that Elliot Rodger posted; is that he felt “OWED” sex because in his eyes he was a supreme gentleman.  Someone, somewhere, dropped the ball and forgot to invite him to the party and give him a blonde from Santa for Christmas, gift wrapped and all.  Since, it seemed, he was given pretty much everything else.  He even said in his manifesto;

“If even one pretty girl had shown some form of attraction to me, The Day of Retribution would never happen.  I’d never even consider it.  The Day of Retribution is mainly my war against women for rejecting me and  depriving me of sex and love.”

In one of our seminars a while back we talked about how most mature men have eliminated the majority of entitlement they had as boys.  The entitlement that life, people, the gov, …women…owe them something that they can get themselves if they wanted to.  (Which, btw, women aren’t something to get, like at a local Target.  There is this thing, called attraction, two people have it, like two consensual adults..capiche?”) It is that maturity which you can be proud of, what you earn, and not the entitlement that comes from being proud of given an advantage without having to earn it.

You are owed nothing.  Not a smile.  Not a wave.  Not a phone conversation or a hug.  You are not owed sex.  You are not owed a person in the form of an object.  That sense of entitlement that comes from the resentment of being nice to a girl and she doesn’t respond with total and complete attraction.  She owes you nothing.  If a woman responds to kindness with gratitude, (gratitude being, saying thank you.) that is more than enough.

You Can Tell a Tree By Its Fruit:

fruit-trees

To take a line from Tywin Lannister on Game of Thrones, (Yes we are all nerds here.) “Any man who must say, ‘I am the king’ is no true king.”  The same goes for men who say, “I am a supreme gentleman.” Or “I am a nice guy.” Or “I’m a real man.”  I come from the school of thought that states a tree bears witness to its fruit.  Meaning, the definition should follow the action.

Do it...say something clever, we want to see what happens.

Do it…say something clever, we want to see what happens.

None of the men I knew growing up had to remind me who they were in statements like that.  Not one of them.  The same goes for the heroes I loved growing up.  Batman didn’t have to tell you how tough he was.  Growing up Joe Montana was a popular quarterback, just as Michael Jordan was revolutionizing how basketball was played; and neither of the two had to consistently tell us how great they were.  Their actions provided the results in which their greatness was born.

They weren’t born into greatness.  It wasn’t just handed to them.  They didn’t have to go around telling everyone how awesome they were.  They may have told themselves so that someday their own subconscious would believe it.  But that is really about it.  Your actions bear the fruit of the tree you are.  Pure and simple.  I can’t tell you how many times I have heard men whine and complain because no one is recognizing how great they are, or how awesome of a boyfriend they would be, or how no one is noticing their “magnificence,” Elliot Rodger put it.  People will recognize once you bear the fruit.

You Are Not Your Things:

Sorry, I can't hear you over my inappropriate sense of self-alpha'ness.

Sorry, I can’t hear you over my inappropriate sense of self-alpha’ness.

I feel some déjà vu kicking in here.  When did we just talk about this?  Oh, yeah, the podcast!  We talked about Fight Club and how the author specifically describes what we are not.

You are not your job; you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You are not your f#$@ing khakis. You are all singing, all dancing                  crap of the world.”

What does this mean?  That BMW, the expensive watch, the $300 sunglasses that you could probably get in downtown L.A. for $15, (Yes, same high-end brand.) the bundles of money; none of that is you.  Yet men attach their masculinity to things, objects, brownie points of status, and expect the reward to be a person.  They attach who they are to the beer they drink, the vehicle they drive, and what the contents of their wallet is.  What happens when that is taken from you?

It is no wonder that using things to attract women, sex, or a relationship, fails the majority of the time.  Even on a more primitive level we, as humans, know it takes much more.  Every role model I looked up to my entire life, whether fictional, none-fictional, or biblical, had one thing in common; they each had immeasurable character.  Something they worked at while hammering out their other struggles in life.  Take away their things, and who they are remains.  Strip them down to the core and their spirit still shines through.  This is evident in every mature adult who works on their character.

There was a time in my life when I attached much of who I was to things that were wasted, deteriorating, and counterfeiting what I wanted most.  It took some painful lessons and great teachers to show me that I am not my things.  They are simply just things, objects to be had.

As I finish this article up, I give a heavy heartfelt condolence to each family who has had to endure the trauma behind the recent, tragic shooting; and the families of any shooting incident where someone felt murder was the way to “get back” at everyone.  You have our prayers.

M. W. Larsen

2 Responses to You Are Entitled To: Nothing

  1. Ann Abbitz says:

    Very powerful and thoughtful piece.
    I couldn’t agree more with everything that was written above. To believe that you, as a human being, would be OWED anything in this life – especially based on your possession of material objects – just speaks to the way we as a society over-promote & over-value the material world!
    Since my daughter was little, I have always preached to her that she is not, nor will she ever be, owed anything in life. No matter what it is that you want, you must work for it or else you’ll never truly earn anything & enjoy a full life!
    Love the article 🙂

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