“Nice Guy” vs “The Good Guy”

     First of all I want to say welcome back to Full 1mpact.  It has been over 6 months since the last update.  I took a bit of a hiatus to fulfill other interests and distractions as everyone should once in a while.  While gone I made a few more discoveries I’ll be sharing here soon and also new confirmations that what we are writing here isn’t necessarily ground breaking, but it is necessary.  Especially for men who seek more fulfillment in their life.  Also I want to digress, especially as I went over older material and new material coming in that some of what we post can be offensive.  And WILL hit defensive buttons in some people.  That’s okay.  In fact that is really good!  Shows we are doing what we are supposed to do.

     Nice guys finish last.  How many of you have heard this statement before?  This statement has been both defended and protested, and you will hear women say they just want a nice man.  A good, well-behaved, guy who is there for them.  You will hear both men AND women say nice guys finish last, in conjunction with the previous statement.  Which is it then?  What defines a “nice guy,” and why do some men get defensive about it when it is brought up?  So do women want a nice guy, or not? 

     This statement has brought us here a barrage of questions from both supporters and protesters of the infamous”nice guy.”  Like, “What defines a ‘nice guy?'”  or “I’ve been called both a nice guy and a bad boy, what does that make me?”  My first response was to draw from my own experience growing up where I failed or “friendzone’d” myself immediately. I would set myself up for disaster every time thinking somehow I’d draw some attraction.  Apparently not as a I thought.

     High School was a great testing ground and battlefield for finding out exactly what I was and was not capable of.  During the tormented angst of my teen years I had a LOT of crushes.  I won’t mention names but they were numerous.  The few I was actually brave enough to talk to I would eventually find myself in the friendzone.  I wound up frustrated to death as to how this girl could trust me with the most intimate details of her life yet never think of me in the way of romance, then later date a total imbecile.  I modeled much of my mannerisms and character after my grandfather.  I always thought of him as a mans’ man, and admired how his mere presence would take the attention of an entire room if he entered it.  He also still held a sense of chivalry that seemed to be dying and still is as far as I am concerned.  He held doors for everyone, said thank you and please, had a great handshake and smiled genuinely when meeting new people.  All great qualities right?  The answer is yes, without a doubt.  So what is the problem if I modeled myself after him, and was a “nice guy?”

     I’ll give you a hint.  It had nothing to do with my character or that I modeled parts of myself after my grandfather.  It had everything to do with my timing, body language, and silent message I was sending these young girls without even knowing I was sending any kind of message.  Everything I did screamed, “nice guy.”  Let me give you one of the more embarrassing examples I can think of.  Mid High School, as I stated before, I had numerous amounts of crushes.  One girl in particular I began to be fond of.  She hung around some of the crowds I did, and I’d try to be at events I knew she’d be at or that we had mutual friends through.  One night at a youth event I began talking and joking with her.  All was fine and dandy.  In fact on many levels I believe we really connected, and I continued to chat her up.  Every time after that I’d chat her up and joke and sometimes talk about the deeper things of life.  As an artist I’d draw her a lot of pictures, and sometimes drop off a flower from my parents flower garden.  I’d write encrypted, but deep, poems and give them to her.  One day I even dropped off a cassette with a cool mix of songs I thought she’d like on it.  Yes, I did all of this.  Some people are reading this asking what I did wrong.  Well, almost everything.  Remember, timing my friends. 

     After a while she would invite me to go get coffee or a soda with just her and I or to tag along to go shopping with her and her girlfriends.  At that time I thought I was turning into the special guy, without posing a threat.  I’d sneak in through the side door.  What I didn’t realize is that I was just another one of her girlfriends.  As I tell guys of Full 1mpact, once you’ve been friendzoned you might as well get your fingernails done with her, because you are now one of her girlfriends.  (There are always exceptions.)  And then one brave day after grabbing a soda on the way home from whoknowswhere, I popped the question.  I asked her out on a date.  She looked at me sideways in her car and got a weird smirk as though I might be joking with her.  That look alone froze my blood.  She smiled politely as she could and said she’d rather we stayed where we were as friends and not mess up our friendship.  I happily said okay to oblige with her but the rest of the car ride home was silent.  After that her attitude changed around me and we rarely hung out.  I had tried to jump weight classes and was simply outmatched.  I had no idea what I had done wrong.  I thought it was all going quite well actually.

     Later she would date a complete turd of a human being, and yes I am being generous and nice.  To say I was hurt would be and understatement.  The next three girls I would ask out after that would give me the same result and I’d spend weeks killing myself on the inside not understanding where I was going wrong.  I was the poster child of “nice guys” around the world.  Sweet to the point of vomit.  Again, what had I done wrong?  Everything.

  You see, not only was my timing way off, but I lacked the courage to sell myself as I knew I really was.  Passionate, artistic, adventurous, and occasionally funny on weekends when I had just enough sugar content.  Not only was my timing off, but also the order in which I laid out my plan.  Gifts, poems, art work, free things and endless conversation should have been sprinkled in later.  Much later, after the hook had been set.  Instead I flooded her with them and gave each “gift” as a casual friend gift in order to somewhat hide my intention lest I get rejected.  Guess what?  I still got rejected.  Three times later as well, for the same mistake.

     So that was my experience and embarrassing failure to create the attraction needed to be with the girl I really wanted to be with.  To get a more accurate answer to the “nice guy” question I went straight to the source.  I asked women.  How would you define the typical, “Nice guy?”  But first…I read them my story.  You know, the pathetic one you just read above.  Ninety percent of the women I interviewed said the character in that story, ( I hadn’t told them who that was yet.) was cute, funny, sweet, a push over, trying too hard, and “someone who’d make them feel obligated to like.”  Those are their words, not mine.  Most agreed the “character” in the story deserved a good girl as well since he was so “sweet.”  When asked if they’d date someone like that, most said yes.  I then asked, “So what’s the hang up?”  And, “Why is this guy not dating any of these girls?” 

     Their response was that he wasn’t direct from the beginning.  He played it “too safe.”  There was no, “risk factor.”  Or, he “wasn’t exciting and too predictable.”  Interesting.  To put this together, in 2008, a friend of mine who introduced me to the world self developement nine years earlier, conducted a survey.  In this survey he asked 286 women to define the term, “Nice Guy,” and read them the story above, not telling them that character was me.  Here are the one word answers that were the most popular in no specific order:

Predictable, boring, cute, unoriginal, eh, nothing to write home about.  The list goes on.  Later I found Kezia, a female guru of the art of attracting women.  Wait..a woman teaching men the art of attracting women?  Yes, a woman.  And not just any women, an intuitive woman who understands how both genders work.  Here is what she said about the, “Nice Guy.”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN3_urefvk4&feature=g-vrec&context=G2feafb4RVAAAAAAAAAA&fb_source=message] 

     Interesting.  She makes a great point, and that leads into the next part here.  Do not confuse the “nice guy” with the “good guy.”  I would say my entire life I liked being a good guy.  The Chivalry my grandfather modeled.  Good guy material right there.  I am a good guy.  However, I am not a nice guy.  Both the nice guy and the good guy probably have great character qualities.  Both have the chivalry background, you’d assume, and have the best intentions for those around them.  Pure heart.  The difference is, the good guy doesn’t always play by the rules.  Everything the good guy wants in this life he seeks and gets for the most part.  Every path he chooses and every goal he has is spelled R.I.S.K. 

     In C.S. Lewis’ book, The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, at the very end when Lucy and Mr. Tumnus are watching Aslan leave, Mr. Tumnus stops Lucy from seeking him out.  He says, “Remember, he’s not a tame lion.”  Lucy then responds, “Yes, but he is a good lion.”  Interesting depiction.  You could describe Aslan as courageous, passionate, bold, majestic. wild, and…good.   None of how Kezia or my other ladies described a “nice guy” would fit in Aslan’s description.   I just don’t see him as a push over, too agreeable, or predictable.  And understanding that is the beginning of attraction.  In the book “Wild at Heart,” the author describes men’s internal desire to be wild and yet good-hearted.  Is the nice guy, good-hearted?  More than likely, yes, but I wouldn’t say he could muster in the same weight class as most of the “good guys” I know.

     Thank you for taking the time to look into this blog.  For further information on Full 1mpact, when we meet and the material we use for our seminars and meetings, email us at full1mpact@yahoo.com and we will get back to you.  I hope this helped clear some things up for certain guys. 

by William M. Jeffries

0 Responses to “Nice Guy” vs “The Good Guy”

  1. Manof Mystery says:

    We have all been there. The sad part is most guys don’t figure this out. I remember doing similar things in your story. Then I would ask myself, what did I do wrong? Then I would say “Ohhhhh. I know what to do now. Buy her more stuff, cards, and flowers!” I think you know the result of that. Pretty much at this point of my life, I think about the Law of Polarity or Law of opposites. If this isn’t working, try to complete opposite way. To my amazement, it works 90-95% of the time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *